Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version
by RobinGabriella
Summary: The remarkably shorter version of Breaking Dawn by Smeyer. I managed to shorten it down into about 2,000 words which really says a lot about the actual book. Except this one is actually entertaining as well as creepy.
1. Part 1

Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version (Part 1)

_The final installation of the Twilight Series opens in Forks at the wedding of Bella and Edward. Bella allowed Alice to run most of the wedding because she was too busy trying (and failing) to seduce Edward. _

VICAR: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife – I mean, ass slave?

EDWARD: I do.

VICAR: Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband – I mean, master?

BELLA: I do.

VICAR: I'm not a very good vicar, so just sign your names on the dotted lines then you can make out like the immature teenagers you are. I don't know how can you be sure you want to spend your entire lives together when you're just eighteen? You aren't even fully mentally mature yet!

BELLA: Shut. Up.

VICAR: You may now kiss the bride – I mean, bitch.

_Bella and Edward kiss in a most inappropriate manor. One or two members of the audience faint._

RENEE: I've totally come around – I can now truly see that your love is the only truest and purest love that ever loved ever. I completely support your mental degradation of my only child.

CHARLIE: So do I. I'm going to be so lonely without you here, Bella-

BILLY: Charlie, will you marry me?

CHARLIE: Yes, Billy, Yes! You know I've always loved you!

BILLY: This is the happiest day of my-

**SMEYER: TODAY IS ALL ABOUT EDWARD AND BELLA. SHUT UP. **

_Bella and Edward go to their honeymoon island, Isle Esme, which is an island off the west coast of Brazil despite the fact Brazil doesn't have a west coast. They spend the majority of their time frolicking merrily amongst the waves and kissing. The author has forced herself to think about and write the most unholy act of all – the final, successful seduction scene. So here it is._

BELLA: OME Edward! I love you so much! Can we have sex now?

EDWARD: I do not know if I can restrain myself! What if I kill you? Okay!

BELLA: Let's not use a condom or any form of contraception because it is God's decision if I get pregnant or not!

**AUTHOR: Again with the religion, Smeyer...**

_So they ran into their bedroom, which is similar to the bondage cave in Volterra – except this room actually has a bed in it as well as various other implements of sexual torture. Edward throws Bella down on the bed and they passionately make love. _

[Unfortunately, the author spontaneously combusted during the writing of this scene due to the sheer hideousness of it. Stay tuned for part 2.]


	2. Part 2

Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version (Part 2)

[Fortunately, the author was immortal anyway and a mere spontaneous combust was not enough to kill her, as much as she would have liked. So she continues:]

_Bella remains passed out for the majority of the sex scene because Smeyer couldn't get away with selling sex to children. Please note this is rape because she could have withdrawn her consent at any time while she was unconscious. If you don't believe the author, Google it. Two weeks later:_

BELLA: Oh holy crap, I'm pregnant!

EDWARD: NO IT MUST BE THE SPAWN OF SATAN!

**AUTHOR: How right you are...**

EDWARD: We must contact Carlisle immediately. His British know-how will surely save us!

CARLISLE: My British know-how has just saved you! Come home immediately.

_They return to Forks. Bella's pregnancy is accelerating at an alarming rate, despite the fact her skin and abdominal muscle wall would probably have split by now from the internal stretching. _

EDWARD: It is killing you! You must have an abortion!

**SMEYER: NEVER! God will never approve and neither will stupid American tweens and their mothers!**

ROSALIE: I'm being possessive of a baby that isn't mine! I hope Bella dies so I get to look after the evil mutant spawn!

BELLA: OH GOD THE PAIN THE IMMORTAL SORROW!

_Meanwhile, on the reservation._

WOLF1: Holy shit, Bella's pregnant!

WOLF2: Let's kill her!

WOLF3: Yay!

JACOB: NEVER! I'M LEAVING FOR NO ADEQUATELY EXPLORED REASON OTHER THAN THE FACT YOU WANT TO HAVE BELLA KILLED FOR PERFECTLY REASONABLE REASONS.

_Back at the vampire treehouse._

BELLA: AAAAARG THE IMMORTAL PAIN – I think I have a connection with the child – THE IMMORTAL SORROW AAAAAARG!

EDWARD: That is of course a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why she should not abort the foetus that could potentially end her life and cause her immense pain and suffering.

**SMEYER: Of course! She loves it!**

_Two days later, the baby is being born. Well, 'born' is not the right word for it, really. If you've ever seen that movie 'Alien' you know what's going to happen. If not, look away now._

BELLA: ARRRG IT'S SO PAINFUL!

EDWARD: ARRRG IT'S SO DISGUSTING!

JACOB: ARRRG WHY AM I EVEN IN HERE!

RENESMEE: OM NOM NOM BELLA'S FLESH

BELLA: HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIT!

EDWARD: KILL IT WITH FIREEEEEEEEE!

JACOB: I LOVE IT!

**AUTHOR: Paedophile...**

EDWARD: OM NOM NOM BELLA'S VEINS

_And so Renesmee was born in a manor almost as stupid as her name, which is a testament to why you should never allow someone on morphine to choose a baby's name. Bella was also turned into a vampire due to the hideous injuries she sustained during the spawning, despite the fact Renesmee would have chewed through many of her vital organs in an attempt to escape. Bella later wakes up and finds out she's a vampire and her daughter is downstairs._

CARLISLE: But she's inexplicably part human! You may want to nom her!

BELLA: SHE IS MY SPAWN. I MUST GREET MY SPAWN.

CARLISLE: Fine. But you aren't going to like what you named her...

BELLA: As long as I didn't name her something stupid, I'm okay!

CARLISLE: About that, ah...

BELLA: I totally did, didn't I?

CARLISLE: Yeah. You named her Renesmee. Did you literally just mumble random syllables and hope they sounded coherent?

BELLA: That's about right.

EDWARD: MY LOVE!

BELLA: MY LOVE! WHERE IS OUR SPAWN – I mean, DAUGHTER (thing)?

EDWARD: Over there.

_Rosalie and Jacob are sitting on a sofa cuddling the toddler Renesmee. Jacob is looking at it with creepy, lustful eyes._

**SMEYER: No, he's looking at her with loving eyes. There is a difference!**

**AUTHOR: HE. IS. A. PAEDOPHILE. WHAT PART OF 'CHILD LOVER' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?**

**SMEYER: He had no choice!**

**AUTHOR: Everyone has a choice! And there's always therapy!**

BELLA: MY BEAUTIFUL SPAWN!

EDWARD: OH MY ME, SHE ISN'T TRYING TO EAT IT.

BELLA: Well duh, it's my baby...

EDWARD: YOUR MARY-SUE POWERS REALLY DO WORK WONDERS, OH GREAT SMEYER!

**SMEYER: THANKS!**

CARLISLE: We invited the Denali clan down for lunch. They're otherwise completely insignificant.

IRINA: I MUST GO TO ITALY BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL ON BELLA BECAUSE I RANDOMLY HATE HER.

_Several pages later_

ALICE: The Volturi are coming again! And they want to kill Renesmee!

**AUTHOR: YAY!**

EVERYONE ELSE: NOOO!

CARLISLE: Phone every other vampire clan you know that doesn't like the Volturi. That should be most of them. Ask them to come over. We're going to have a massive Battle Royale!

**AUTHOR: YAY! CERTAIN DEATH!**

_Various other insignificant vampires with stupid names trickle in. Most of them are boring, but the highlights are the super hot Amazon babes, who come scantily clad in leather and fur, the Romanian coven who come dressed as medieval chain mail wearing harlots, the European nomads who come dressed as sexy courtesans and the Egyptian coven who come in nothing but loincloths. _

BELLA: I have just discovered by super-special-awesome power that can totally defeat everything and anything! I can make shields of lurrrve!

AMAZONBABE1: I'll help you make it all better...

BELLA: Thanks, but I'm not really into that...

AMAZONBABE2: Sure?

BELLA: Maybe...

_This too has been censored because my computer would probably blow up at the sheer horror of any more sex between kinky vampires. _

RENESMEE: I'm now about six, even though I'm only two days old! This makes Jacob having sex with me all okay because I'm not normal, therefore laws of decency don't apply to me!

JACOB: You can say that again, babe...

**AUTHOR: MY EYES. **

_Sometime later the Volturi arrive. They too are in their customary vinyl and leather; Aro is wheeled in on some kind of bizarre adjustable bondage contraption made mostly of rusty metal and leather straps, Caius is trying out asphyxiation by hanging himself from a portable gallows and Marcus is crawling in on his hands and knees being whipped from behind by Jane, who is in her ero-loli dress again. Felix is a cat. _

ARO: Bella! We meet again, though it is a shame I couldn't convince you to join our little club back in Italy, where pleasure and pain are one and the same thing.

MARCUS: It is truly exquisite, feeling a good, hard-

**AUTHOR: MY EYES**

ARO: Hand over the immoral – I mean, immortal child, and you shall live!

BELLA: NEVER!

_There is a massive non-battle which totally wasted half of the rainforest printing shit nobody cares about. The Cullens technically win because they don't die._

CAIUS: Well, since we came all the way out here for nothing, let's just kill someone for the hell of it. Any volunteers?

ARO: No?

JANE: Let's kill Irina; she had no real part in the entire series anyway so no one will miss her!

_They proceed to kill Irina in a very sexually degrading way that has been censored because snuff fetish is not allowed on ._

ARO: Right, back to Italy. Have fun being boring for all eternity.

JACOB: Oh, I will...

**AUTHOR: MY EYES**


End file.
